Breathless
by LostExploring
Summary: A gunshot wound during a routine suspect chase leads Ryan to learn the real meaning of love and family.
1. Expire

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

Summery: A gunshot wound during a routine suspect chase leads Ryan to learn the real meaning of love and family.

At some point, I will hopefully finish my other story, but until then, may I present:

**Breathless**

A story of Detective Kevin Ryan

Ch. 1: Expire

Gravel and trash crunched and crackled underfoot as the team spread out in the alley. It was dark and damp despite it being mid-day and sunny. Tall buildings left this reeking slice of city cast in perpetual shadow. Black soot and slime coated the sides of the brick buildings as they edged in closer, wearily eyeing the dumpsters and fire escapes for the perp they had chased into this dead-end.

Kate took lead as always, Esposito to her right, gun at the ready. Ryan hugged the wall to the left, covering them both, with Castle bringing up the rear. The grinding metal of a moving fire escape alerted them to a presence. Esposito swung towards it while Beckett continued to scan the alley. Something was off about the shadows in the back of the alley, how they moved. Shadows shouldn't move.

"Kate." Castle's voice warned behind her as a man emerged from the shadows.

She acknowledged with a slight nod of her head, eyes fixed on her new target.

"Everson." Her shoes scuffed forward as her gun aimed at a thin scruffy looking man who had a handgun dangling casually from his left hand. "Put the gun down. You are under arrest for the murder of Patricia Lewis." Another step forward as the man smirked at her.

"I don't think so, doll." He leered at her, glancing to the fire escape that had drawn Esposito's attention.

Beckett followed his gaze. A man knelt on the landing, aiming a weapon at her. When she looked back at the man, two more figures had stepped out from the shadows, fanning out behind Garrett Everson, leader of one of the local gangs, who had, from all appearances, killed his ex-girlfriend with the very gun that was currently pointed at her.

"You don't want to do this, Garrett." Beckett said, steel in her voice, barely sparing a glance at the two young men – boys, really, behind him, automatic weapons held in shaky hands pointed towards her team. They looked terrified, and the one on the left could hardly be over 13. It didn't look as if he'd hit puberty yet, with his shaggy white-blonde hair hanging over his too-wide eyes.

"Oh, I think I do." Everson took another step forward, challenging her.

"Put the gun down!" Beckett barked at him, refusing to step down, refusing to acknowledge extra guns pointing at her. Backup was on its way, and if they could hold status quo for just a moment longer.

A shoe scuffed loudly behind her. The older boy twitched, his gun discharging with a deafening sound, echoing in the confined space. Shock filled his eyes, mouth dropping into an "O".

A thud and yelp sounded behind her.

Kate reacted on instinct, her gun discharging, landing a bullet in Everson's shoulder, before turning and clipping the boy who had fired in the arm. The crack of a weapon behind and the clatter on the fire escape told her that the man there was also out of commission. She hazarded a quick look over her shoulder as she redirected her service piece toward the younger boy who still had his weapon aimed at the detective.

What she saw made her heart clench. Ryan leaned against the wall gasping shallowly, a hand pressed against his armored vest, red seeping between his fingers. Her gaze lingered long enough to see Esposito slam his weapon into his holster and run back to his partner, a frantic, "Officer down!" yelled into his radio along with their location.

Kate shifted her attention back to the scene in front of her, determined to keep it from getting any worse.

Detective Kevin Ryan watched the scene play out before him as what should have been an easy take down quickly escalated. He hadn't worried when the men emerged from the shadows. He had all confidence in his team, but when the young boys had stepped forward, he became more than a little anxious. Newly initiated gang members, untried, nervous and eager to prove themselves made them jumpy and trigger happy. When he edged forward to get a better angle, he saw one of the boys jerk, his hands twitching.

The next thing he knew was pain. The intensity of it ripped through him as his hand came up to his police vest, pressing into the dampness seeping through it. He stumbled backward into the wall as bullets rang out in the tiny alley. His ears rang as it became harder to breath and he slid gracelessly down the wall, his hand falling limply to his side.

Esposito at his side. "Ryan. Ryan, stay with me man. Bus is on its way."

He felt fingers at his throat: Esposito checking for a pulse.

Fighting to suck in a breath, he pried his eyes open. "Tell Jenny… Tell." Breathing was getting harder, didn't know if he could take another, pain washing over him in waves, but he had to say… "Tell her…"

"No, man. No." Esposito denied him. "No, you tell her. You tell her."

Esposito watched his partner's face grow pale with pain as he struggled to breath. He wasn't going to last, breathing like that. Not breathing. Had he stopped breathing? Still had a pulse. Finger on the artery in his neck. Carotid. The carotid artery. Why he needed to know that at a time like this…

Castle stumbles up, falling to his knees beside the fallen officer, looking at Esposito across the body. "Get him out of his vest." Esposito barks at him.

No breathing. Shit. Esposito sent a glance over to Beckett, her stance tense as she covered them, pointing her weapon at a scared little boy and two injured men, keeping her team safe. Shit.

Esposito looked down at his partner again, sucking in a breath, hands on his partner's head, tilting it up, opening the airway. Leaning down, he pinched Ryan's nose shut, covering Ryan's eyes with his wide palm, covering his partner's mouth with his own, exhaling. The chest rose, unevenly, Castle pulling the detective's shirt off with force, buttons skittering across the pavement.

"Get a glove on." He orders Castle as he inhales, exhaling down his partner's throat, watching his chest rise. The right side rises a little less this time. A sucking sound coming from the wound. Ryan's lips turning blue.

"Put your hand over the hole or his lung will collapse." He instructs, sucking in another breath. Impermeable dressing, he thinks, plastic over the wound.

Exhale.

Chest rises. No worse this time.

One, two, three, he counts in his head. Inhale, exhale. Five seconds total.

Chest rises. Chest falls. One, two, three.

Breath in, breath out, out of him and into Ryan.

Come on! He thinks, praying for the sounds of sirens. The gravel cuts into his knees.

One, two, three, inspire, expire: hating those words. Expire. No: exhale.

One, two, three. The paleness on Castle's face, the blood coating the purple glove pressing against his partner's chest as it is forced yet again to rise and fall.

Steady rhythm, his entire world shrinking down to the simple act of breathing. Breath for him, breath for Ryan. Inhale, exhale.

His fingers slip down to find his partner's pulse again. It's there, weaker than before, but still present.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Sirens in the distance. Inhale, exhale. Chest rises and falls.

Flashing lights in the alley, lighting it up like Christmas. Inhale, exhale, one, two, three.

Men in uniform swarming around them. Inhale, exhale. A man with a plastic mask in his hand kneels at Ryan's head, takes over pushing air into his lungs, and his chest continues to rise and fall every five seconds, another man replaces Castle's hand with a bandage, taping it down over the hole in Ryan's chest.

A moment later, Ryan is on a stretcher and in the ambulance, Esposito piled in behind him.


	2. Exhale

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

Summery: A gunshot wound during a routine suspect chase leads Ryan to learn the real meaning of love and family.

It gets cheerier at some point… I hope.

**Breathless**

A story of Detective Kevin Ryan

Ch. 2: Exhale

With Ryan and Esposito away from the scene, Castle stands up, eyes going to where he last saw Kate, but she is no longer there. Cops have swarmed the alleyway, taken over the scene, and she is slumped against the grimy wall across from him, staring vacantly at the blood stains on the pavement at his feet.

He takes a step toward her, and her eyes come up to meet his. She visibly recoils, her body jerking against the wall. Confused, he stops, watching her. Her eyes roam him, flicking from his face down to his chest, his arms, back to his face.

The movement around him has ceased to exist, all the noise, the sirens and lights of the cop cars fade into oblivion. He looks away from her, glancing down at himself.

Oh.

Blood.

It's covering his hands, soaked into the sleeves of his shirt, splotches all the way up to his elbows. The white lettering on his "Writer" vest has red smeared across it, and his pant legs have sticky red drying on it from his hands.

He stares helplessly at his hands. In the middle of the alley. How does he get it off?

Ryan's blood, coating his hands and wrists thickly. One hand has a glove on it, pulled up just enough to make a seal against the wound, so he pulls it off, dropping it to the ground, but blood had somehow crept beneath it, so it doesn't really help him feel any cleaner.

And his nose itches, and sweat is running into his eyes, stinging. And his friend's blood is covering his hands. There's nowhere to wash it off. He can't run it across his face, can't close the distance between him and Kate, who is now steadily staring at him, watching the myriad of emotions play across his face. And he can't wrap her in an embrace to steady her, to steady him, to wipe that look of helplessness and fear and pain off of her face, to wipe the memory of Ryan taking his last gasping breath out of his memory. He can't do any of it because he can feel Ryan's blood drying on his hands.

A minute of staring at each other from across the alley, and Kate blinks, pushing off the wall. "Castle." She nods her head in the direction of her squad car. It's a block down the street, but somehow, with her next to him, they walk past the store fronts, past the civilian onlookers that pull back in horror at the sight of Castle with blood smeared on his clothes and hands.

He leaves bloody smudges on the door handle. Doesn't bother with a seatbelt. He doesn't want to get blood on it. The outside can be washed, but if Ryan doesn't make it, he doesn't want the reminder stained into the seat he sits in every day.

Inside the car on the way to the hospital is silent. Outside the sirens wail. Castle clenches and unclenches his hands in his lap, replaying the trip from last summer. Blood on his hands then, too. Kate's blood. The back of the ambulance when she stopped breathing, blood pouring out of her chest.

When they arrive, Ryan is in surgery. Esposito paces the waiting room like a caged animal, barely acknowledging them when they walk in. Somewhere along the way, he's lost his police vest and his hands are clean, but there is blood on his pants, streaks of it where he wiped his hands, splotches on his knees from kneeling in the puddled blood.

Kate leaves Castle standing at the sliding glass doors to stand in front of Esposito, halting his restless gait with the force of her gaze.

"In surgery. Fishing the bullet out." His sentences staccato. "Collapsed lung. Should be out soon."

He twists his wrist, giving his watch a brief glance. He has too much disciple to fidget, but it's clear he wants to from his stiff stance.

An orderly walks through the waiting room, a clipboard in his hands, eyes glancing up periodically to keep him from running into walls and patients, catches sight of Castle where he's stood frozen in place since entering.

The orderly comes to a halt, mouth gaping like a fish. "Uh, sir? Sir?"

Castle blinks, looks around, meets the mans eyes, catches his confusion, looks down at himself. "Oh. Uhh… not mine. I'll… I'll go wash. Umm… Restroom?"

The man gestures to the left and Castle takes a step forward as a young woman rushes through the door.

The woman stumbles into Castle and he reaches out instinctively to steady her, recoils equally fast, Ryan's blood now smudged on her arms.

"Jenny!" Castle gasps, "Oh. I…" He has nothing to add to that. He just smeared her fiancé's blood on her. Stumbling backward, he fights to compose himself.

Esposito stepped forward and Castle slipped out to wash.

Soap and blood washed down the sink in a frothy pink. Scrubbing at his knuckles and fingernails, he gave himself a quick look in the mirror, noticing a streak of crusty red across his temple. He swallowed hard, grabbing at the paper towels to scrub it off.

When he emerged minutes later, his hands and arms were pink and raw, but still felt contaminated.

"I can't. I can't do it." Jenny was saying, shaking her head, backing away from Esposito. "Just… again and again… there's no end. First Kate, and now," she sends a glance over her shoulder at the female detective, an apology in her eyes. "I can't always be wondering, every night if he's going to make it home. I can't raise a family with that uncertainty. I…" she broke into a sob, bringing her hands up to her face.

"Jenny." Esposito stepped forward, taking her shoulders in his hands, pulling her up to meet his eyes. "He's going to make it. He's going to be okay. You heard the doctor. He made it through surgery. Please. Go see him. You love him. I know you do." His voice was low, steadying, trying not to spook her.

"No. No…" She stumbled back, shaking her head harder. "Just… please. Give him," she brought her hand up, tugged at her ring finger.

Now Esposito was the one stepping back. "Jenny. I can't do that. I can't."

"Give him this." She thrust her engagement ring into Esposito's hand, "And tell Kevin that I love him, but I just can't do this anymore."

"Jenny." Esposito sighed, running a hand over his head. "When… after Ryan was shot, when he thought he might not make it, he told me to tell you that he loved you. I told him no."

Jenny's eyes shot up to meet his.

"I told him to tell you himself. Give him that chance. And if you must break his heart, do it yourself, in person."

When Kevin opens his eyes at long last, consciously gasps in a breath, the room is blindingly white. At first, that is all he can see. The glow of the florescent light above him is startling. The last memory he has is the cold shadows of a building in a grungy alley way, his partner leaning over him. There's no pain and he feels as if he is floating. Foggily he raised his arm to cross himself. Or rather, tried to send the message to his arm that that is what he wanted to do. His fingers twitched, but did not move from where they lie. Softness beneath his fingertips, smooth cloth. Gradually, the glowing light settled itself and he could make out ceiling tiles. So. Not heaven. Not dead? But he felt no pain, so… hospital?

He sucked in another breath, thankful for the opportunity to do so, and tried to speak.

That's when he noticed the tube down his throat and coughed. And couldn't cough.

Instantly, a man in dark blue scrubs was at his side, peering down at him, helping him slide the tube out of his throat, encouraging him not to gag.

He swallowed roughly several times before opening his mouth again. "Jenny?" It came out in a hoarse whisper. He struggled to sit up, the weight of pain medication making it impossible.

"Kevin," a whispered voice drifted across the room. An angel appeared in the corner of his vision, a beautiful blonde haired angel with bloodshot eyes and tear streaks down her face.

"Jenny," he gasped softly, his voice rough.

He felt her fingers caress his face and drift down his arm to wrap around his hand.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

Ryan blinked up at her in confusion, the medication and loss of blood making his head swim.

"I'm sorry. I love you, and I am so, so thankful that you are alive, that you will live. But I can't do this."

He gasped, pain stuttering through his chest, and he wasn't sure if it was from the injury or her words.

"I can't get another call like this. I can't take not knowing if you'll come home at night. I can't have your kids and face the possibility of having to raise them without you. I love you too much. And I… I can't…" she broke off on a sob. "I'm so, so sorry, Kevin. I love you so much. Please believe me."

She gave his hand a squeeze, slipping something cold and hard into his grasp and sliding her fingers away. Leaning forward, she brushed a kiss against his forehead, leaving tears in his hair and whispered, "I love you, Kevin Ryan," in his ear before stepping out of his sight.

He heard the door click shut before drifting off into oblivion.

Some time later - Days? hours? his eyes blinked drowsily open again. Confusion and pain drifted lazily through his mind, slowly gaining substance. The diffused light he no longer associated with heaven. His lungs felt heavy, his head fuzzy. A groan sounded from somewhere nearby. Maybe from himself? Then a scraping sound and a shadow fell over his bed. _Jenny?_ He thought, but didn't attempt to speak. His throat was raspy feeling, and he was uncertain of his memories. What was true, and what was drug induced dreams?

He blinked up at the figure hovering over him. Esposito. He looked hesitant as he stared down at his partner. He blinked again and faded out.


	3. Inhale

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

Previously on: Ryan is shot and hospitalized. He survives surgery only to be dumped by his fiancée.

**Breathless**

A story of Detective Kevin Ryan

Ch. 3: Inhale

When Jenny left, following the doctor into the trauma wing, the detectives found themselves clustered tightly at the back of the waiting room silently taking a small measure of comfort from each other's presence. Esposito looked pale as he swallowed repeatedly, looking up at the ceiling and blinking hard.

"Hey," Kate said, reaching for him, gripping his hand in hers, feeling the slight tremor in it. "Hey, it's going to be okay. _He's_ going to be okay. You heard the doctor. You told Jenny what the doctor said."

Esposito met her eyes, squeezed her hand and then withdrew his from her grasp, running it through his short hair. He let out a sharp breath. "After everything that's happened. All the times we could have died, either of us – everything last summer with the torture and assassins and Montgomery… I just… I mean, I know we have a dangerous job, but…"

_The cop who survives the shootout to die getting hit by a car writing a traffic citation_, Kate thinks, but she shakes her head, saying instead, "He's going to live." Her voice is calmer than she feels, a steady gentle reassurance. It holds conviction she doesn't feel. She just watched another of her family bleed out.

Esposito nods once and looks away. "Oh, hey, did you call Gates, let her know?"

Kate swears and digs in her pocket for her phone. She listens to it ringing on the other end for several seconds. Then, her superior's voice.

"Captain Gates, sir…"

Castle and Esposito stepped back to give Beckett some privacy for the conversation, or to distance themselves from the oppressiveness of the captain.

Castle pulled his phone out and thumbed through his contacts to his daughter, cradling the phone against his ear as her voice came through over the connection.

"Hey, Sweetheart, listen, I need to let you know…"

"What do you mean?" Beckett's exclamation rang through the room. "No, no sir…" her volume lowered considerably, but there was a biting edge in it. "Yes, sir. I understand perfectly. But I…" She clenched her jaw, the muscles working as she bit back a reply. "Yes, sir."

"The same one Kate was at. Yes. No, the doctor said…"

Kate slammed her phone shut and hurled it at the floor, glaring at it.

"Hey, Sweetheart, I have to go. I…no, no… it's…" It broke his heart to hear his baby girl crying on the other end of the phone, but knew that she would be alright. Already, her breathing had leveled out, just past the erratic hitching that meant that she was regaining control. Kate, however, was falling apart, angry tears coursing down her face.

"I love you, too. See you soon."

He slid his phone back into his pocket and took the two steps to Kate to wrap her in a hug, pressing her body tightly against his. She stood stiffly for a long moment before bringing her arms up to curl around his waist, clinging to him as she sobbed in earnest. Somewhere along the way, both of them have taken their vests off. In the car, maybe? Because she's twisted her hands into the material of his shirt at his back, pulling it tight.

"She ordered us back." She manages after a moment, pulling away, tears already drying in her eyes. Amazingly, her makeup hasn't run. "She…" Kate can't even express. "I hate her." She confesses, whispered against the tear stains on his chest.

"Esposito." Beckett calls across, "We're needed back at the precinct."

The next time Ryan's eyes slip open, he feels alert and struggles against the pain in his chest to sit up. "Uhhg." He gasped, eyes slamming shut as he shifted. The room, when he opened his eyes was stark white, his bed centered in the miniscule closet of a space. A whiteboard proclaimed the date and the name of his nurse on one half, the other having been turned into a mini murder board with the information his team had worked the past week acquiring, and a scrawled note at the bottom he recognized as Esposito's writing, "Bro, nice try, but it'll takes more than that to get out of work."

Ryan grinned, huffing out a laugh, and then grimaced in pain. A shuffling squeak sounded from across the room and Ryan turned his head.

A girl, young woman, really, sat curled up in the window seat, one knee pulled up to her chest, the other tucked underneath her, an open book balanced on her leg, her finger on the page marking her place, her dark blue eyes steadily meeting his through a curtain of shockingly red hair. Her face is so angelic, so innocent, backlit by the window. If he didn't recognize her, and if it were not for the pain that pulsed gently through him through the fog of pain medication, he would still be wondering if he were really still alive. The meds were addling his brain, he knew.

They stared at each other for a long moment, assessing each other before she gave him a quiet smile. "Hey. Can I get you anything?"

He sucked in a breath, feeling his chest expand, air scraping down his throat. "Wh.." he broke off with a cough. "Water?" he tried again.

Her smile broadened as she slid off the window ledge, slipping her book into a canvas book bag at her feet. "I'll see what I can do." He watched her as she flitted out the door, leaving it open so he could see her approach the station and flirt with the male nurse behind the desk. Moments later, she returned with a large Styrofoam cup.

"Ice chips?" she asked, coming to stand next to his bed. She helped him stabilize the cup to his mouth, untangling his IV line as it looped around his bed rails.

He crunched for a moment, swallowed before attempting to talk again. "What…why are you…?" His eyebrows scrunched as he tried to formulate his question coherently into the least number of words.

"Dad called me," she explained, taking the cup from him and placing it on the side table next to her hip. "So I came. We're family." He gave her a challenging, confused look. "After last summer, we're all family," her hand coming to rest on his arm.

At the mention of Castle, Ryan glanced around the room. Alexis laughed softly.

"They had to leave. Gates called Kate and Detective Esposito back to work, reminded them that they still had a job to do." An edge of anger crept into her voice, but it was gone as she continued, "but dad should be back soon."

_Kate_ and Detective Esposito, Ryan thought, filing it away for later.

"So, where's Jenny?" Alexis asked, "I would have thought she'd be here."

Ryan sucked in a breath. Dream or reality? He clenched his fist at his side, felt the hard metal, warmed to his skin. Reality, then. Opening his he raised it for her to see. "Left." He explained simply, the word sticking in his throat.

Questions flashed through her eyes as her fingers tense on his arm in surprise. To his relief, however, she voiced none of them, pushing her lips together in tight line. "I'm sorry," she whispered, releasing his arm and stepping back slightly.

He followed the movement with his eyes, tried to shrug, but it turned into a wince as the movement pulled at his chest. " 's Okay," he slurred slightly eyes becoming heavy again as he started sliding away from consciousness yet once more. "Good meds… no pain… yet." He managed as he dropped out.

The next morning the team stopped by his room to see him on their way back from a crime scene. Castle tapped on the door before opening it just enough to peek his head around.

"Oh, good, you're awake!" he exclaimed and pushed the door open wider.

Ryan grinned as Lanie pushed her way in and bustled over to him, yanking the chart off the foot of his bed. Her eyes going wide as she glanced back up at him. "Kevin Ryan!" She scolded. "You should be dead right now. You'd better not do this again, because I do not want to be autopsying your skinny rear!"

Ryan grinned wider and tried a weak chuckle that turned into a cough. "Thanks, Lanie, I can feel the love. But really, I think you're just jealous that your boyfriend tried to make out with me."

Lanie chuckled and Esposito looked indignant, but Castle let out a full bellied laugh and came over to Ryan and leaned over his breakfast tray to "feed the birds."

"I'm sorry we couldn't stick with you yesterday after you got out of surgery." Kate said, a note of anger hidden under the concern for her friend.

"Nah, no worries." Ryan waved his un-IV'ed hand dismissively. "Alexis told me." He glanced over toward the window, which was empty.

She'd stayed most of the day, well into evening, leaving only when the nurse noticed her on his rounds and informed her that visiting hours had ended. Ryan had been in and out for most of the day, only conscious for a few minutes at a time, 20 at the most, but she had sat perched on the window seat, head bent over a text book, looking over at him every few minutes. She had caught him staring at her more than once as he regained cognizance, but didn't want to disturb her, watching her as she scanned down a page, pulled out post-it notes, scribbled a quick note, turned the page, glance up at him then down at the page.

In his more lucid moments, or when the pain medication began wearing off, she'd set her books down and come to stand next to him, chatting idly about inconsequential topics.

More than once, he'd asked her, "Why are you here?" To which she answered every time, "You're family." The last time he asked, she'd tilted her head to the side, considering him for a long while before asking in a small voice, "Do you want me to leave?"

He shook his head vigorously – too vigorously – and winced, gritting his teeth, managing to hiss out a small, "No, stay, please. I… I like your company, even if I'm not very good company myself."

She grinned in delight, her eyes lighting up with innocent joy, giving his shoulder a slight squeeze. "Good." She said, nodding decisively.

"But still," Kate said, "we would have been here. Shouldhave been here. You don't leave family, and we're more than just a team, we _are_ family.

Ryan grimaced, thinking about Jenny, then gave a soft smile, "That's what Alexis said."

"What?" Kate looked startled, not expecting judgment from the young girl.

He rethought the conversation. "Oh, no, not that. Not that you should have… No. She stayed with me yesterday, was there when I woke up. When I asked her why, she said it was because we were family. You don't leave family. So, my family was here… I wasn't left alone," he clarified. "Jenny left." He added in a subdued tone. "She… it was too much for her."

"I'm sorry man, that's low." Esposito said from across the room.

"It's… you know." Ryan made a shrugging gesture with his hand, careful not to move his torso. He was learning. "Usually you don't get this good of pain meds for a broken heart."

Esposito smiled tightly at the effort, but the concern was evident in his eyes.

"Hey. Like the murder board." Ryan commented, trying to lighten the mood some. "I could get used to working from bed." A lopsided smile on his face.

"Yes, well, don't work too hard here – or get too used to it. You need to rest so you can come back to keep your work-wife company before he drives us all crazy." Kate commented dryly.

"I am pretty irresistible aren't I?" Ryan queried with a wink that failed because both eyes were trying to close.

"Imma 'bout to fade out on you." He slurred after a long moment, struggling to keep his eyes open.

"We should be heading out anyways, before Gates notices that we haven't come back from the scene." Kate patted his arm before turning to leave, herding the crowd out in front of her with a chorus of goodbyes and promises to return later.


	4. Gasp

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

Previously on: Ryan is shot and hospitalized. He survives surgery only to be dumped by his fiancée.

**Breathless**

A story of Detective Kevin Ryan

Ch. 4: Gasp

When he comes to again, he can't call it waking up yet, not when he has so little control of fading in and out, he knows she's here. Before he opens his eyes, he can sense her, and he turns his head so the first image that hits his retinas is that of the window.

She's wearing a pair of dark blue jeans and a pale silver shirt. Both knees were pulled up, sneakers resting on the window sill, her back resting against the window frame. Her arms were wrapped around her legs limply, and her forehead leaned against the window as she gazed out over the roof of a lower section of the hospital and out into the city. A book sat closed on the seal next to her feet, and her book bag slumped on the floor, leaning against the wall.

When she heard the change in his breathing – more labored as he struggled to move into a more comfortable position, she turned, smiling lightly as she slid off the window ledge and stepped toward him.

"Here, let me help."

She slid an arm behind his shoulders and helped him lean forward and then found the control for the bed, pushing the button to raise it up behind him, then gently removing her arm from around him and stepping away.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything? More pain medicine?" Her eyes anxious as his face clenched in pain.

"No, I'm…" He hissed through his teeth, "fine."

"Liar."

He struggled to open his eyes wider so they weren't scrunched in pain and unclenched his teeth in an attempt to erase the evidence of pain from his face.

"I'd…" an attempt at a deep breath. Oh. Ow. Several shallow breaths. "I'd rather not… take the meds… if I can help it." He finally edged out.

"It will help," she reasoned, "and if you are in too much pain, it makes it more difficult for your body to heal because of the extra stress to your system."

"I want to be…" the breaths were so short he was panting, "lucid… but it hurts… to breath."

"I bet it hurts to talk, too." Alexis commented, a wry look on her face, eyebrow arched.

Sheepishly, Ryan gave a short nod.

"So? Pain medicine?" she offered again.

He narrowed his eyes at her.

"Maybe oxygen would help? Make it easier to breath?"

He rewarded that suggestion with a smile.

"Be right back." She gave him a dazzling smile and bounced out of the room.

Once the oxygen mask was in place, the doctor fussed around him, attaching an oxometer and a blood pressure cuff, holding the stethoscope first to the brachial pulse at his elbow, listening to the blood rush through his artery, and then to several places on his chest, asking him to take a breath in each location. He felt stupid with the mask on his face, but after a few breaths, his breathing felt less labored and the pain diminished somewhat.

The doctor convinced him that he needed the medicine, pointing out that he had already gone an hour past the time for his next dose, and citing his elevated pulse and blood pressure as making it a near necessity. He pulled the syringe from a coat pocket and slid it neatly into the IV. A moment later, Ryan felt a warmth in his veins as his body relaxed.

"Why are you still here?" He asked a few hours later, the O2 mask gone, but close by in case he needed it. Alexis looked over at him, away from the mid-day sun shining down on the buildings outside his window. She slid out of the window and crossed to him, hooking a chair with her leg to sit in, leaning forward to rest her arms on the bedrails.

"Has something changed since yesterday?" she challenged.

He blinked at her.

"Are we still family?"

"But…" He stared at her, organizing his drug-hazed thoughts into something resembling coherence.

"Nope." She interrupted.

"You have school." It came out as more of a question than he intended.

"Nope." She answered again.

He looked startled by her reply.

"You chose a good day to get shot," she clarified.

"Uhhh?"

"Spring break. College lets out earlier than public school."

"Then, didn't you have plans?"

She hates the confusion on his face; that he doesn't get this. Any member of the team her father is part of is more important than the plans she might have had, because they are family, and family comes first.

The last part of her thought she tells him. "Family comes first," letting a little irritation and disappointment sound in her voice.

"What were your plans?" he asks, curious.

"Staying up at college, studying, volunteering some at a local hospital, coming home for a few days to see my dad." She shrugs, "So basically what I'm doing now, except here instead of there." A twinkle in her eye and a teasing smile on her lips at the last of her statement.

"Well, as long as I'm not interrupting anything." Ryan settled into his bed, watching her.

"Nothing important." She confirms with a nod.

A long moment of silence follows, Alexis staring vacantly at his IV bag as it drips into his line. "Why…" she begins, swallows, because she knows the question she's about to ask isn't appropriate. It's prying, and that's more of her dad's thing than hers. She respects people's privacy. He invades it. But at Ryan's eyebrow quirk, she presses on.

"What happened between Jenny and you?" she asks in a rush, and then turns away, refusing to meet his eyes. And he's grateful for that at least, that she's not looking as he tried to gulp in a too large breath of air and chokes on it, hissing it slowly back out. It was not a question he was expecting, and it hurt. His reaction to it hurt worse, physically at least.

When he can, when the tearing in his chest relaxes into a low throbbing again, he answers her. "Same reason I almost didn't propose to her in the beginning. I didn't want to drag her through any of this, but I was selfish. I love her. A cop's life has no stability: odd hours, high mortality rate. It's not a conducive environment to start a family in. It just… she finally realized it."

"Wait." Alexis' eyes snapped back to his, incredulity furrowing the brows over her dark blue eyes. "She broke up with you because she realized you might die? She realized she couldn't live without you so she left?"

"Umm… yes… yeah." Ryan mumbled.

"That's stupid." Alexis proclaimed raising her chin up slightly and narrowing her eyes. "I mean, on some level I can understand it. When Kate was shot, I hated her for putting Dad in danger, but was more angry with her for how devastated he'd be without her, that he'd learned to love her and then she…" Alexis shook her head, dispelling the images of the detective falling, bleeding out on the grass, of her father's blood-soaked hands.

"But if I loved someone, truly loved someone, then nothing would stop me from being with them. And if there was a chance of them dying…" She took a deep breath, and he envied her for that. When she had gathered her thoughts, she continued. "I didn't want my dad to go back to shadowing Beckett, but he couldn't not be there, couldn't not spend every moment with her if there was a possibility that some day she wouldn't be there. If you live on limited time, then you make the time you have count. You don't just walk away."

Ryan looked away, the pain of heartbreak overcoming him. He was unwilling to let this child see his eyes cloud with tears. As he composed himself, he realized there was a question he'd been meaning to ask her.

"You call her Kate." He stated. Oops. He'd meant for it to be a question, but he wasn't sure where he was going with it so a leading statement worked better.

"Yeah?" Alexis hedged.

"Why?"

"She told me to when we first met?" If she had sounded sure of her self, he would have dropped it, but the hesitance told him there was more.

"But you never did." Again, not a question.

Silence.

He waited her out. This he was good at – passively waiting for the response, playing the sympathetic listener.

She squirmed in her chair, looked down, bit her lip.

It was all the answer he needed.

"They're together, aren't they?" barely contained glee.

"You didn't know?" her head shoots back up. Incredulous. "I mean, come on, you're a detective."

He waits for her to continue, giving her his full attention. But his silence gives her the answer. She grins.

"It's not like they're subtle about it, either," she accuses, amusement in her eyes

"They've never been subtle about it." Ryan defends. "It never meant they were together."

At that, she laughs. Can't help it, it bubbles up, shaking her head because it's too true. Everyone saw it before they did. It made the perfect cover once they were together.

"It's been months, though… surely…I mean, even I've seen the hickeys on her neck – which is more than I need to know, by the way – and I live two hours away, and might see them on the weekend. You see her every day."

"Doesn't mean it's from him," Ryan defends again.

She shrugs in concession to that point.

"So… how long?" Ryan asks, his curiosity finally getting the best of him.

"Since I've known? Christmas break – right after I graduated. Before that, I'm not sure, but I think it was new."

Ryan thinks back, secures the timeline in his mind and nods.

"Wanna know how I found out?" She leans forward conspiratorially, and Ryan is drawn in. The gesture reminds him so much of her father in full storytelling mode. Her eyes alight and her face alive with mischievous glee.

She takes his focused attention as an answer.

"I was supposed to be on a camping trip with my friends. Grams was out of town for something to do with her acting school. Well, I was gone on a camping trip, but it started snowing. Bad. As in, blizzard. We're lucky that we packed up and got out fast enough that we didn't get stranded. I don't know what possessed us to try to go camping in December. Horrid idea." She shuddered. "But anyways, I didn't bother calling. A lot of tough cases around that time, and I knew Dad'd been having nightmares on the nights that he managed to make it home from the precinct at all." Alexis shook her head, sadness creeping into her eyes.

"He'd finally stopped having the ones from after Kate's shooting. Or at least they'd gotten calmer."

A long pause.

"But anyways," Alexis continued, giving him a small smile, "I didn't want to wake him if he'd managed to go to sleep. I figured I'd come in quietly and see him in the morning."

"You totally walked in on them, didn't you?" Ryan asked, laughter in his voice.

Alexis choked and blushed, biting back a laugh. "Umm…" she started, and then decided to ignore his interruption, her physical reaction being more than enough answer for the astute detective, no matter how much medicine he had taken earlier in the day.

"So I slip past the doorman and up the elevator. And apparently, made too much noise turning the key in the lock."

Ryan quirked an eyebrow at her, silently pleading with her to continue. But she hesitates so long, he's afraid she won't continue after all.

"And?" The blush on the young woman's face grows, but she pushes on at his prodding.

"When I walk in, they are on the couch. Kate's shirt is in the entry way, her bra just past."

Ryan's eyes widen, a gasp of laughter breathing out in a quiet "oh."

"She's straddling my dad. His shirt on the coffee table. They're pants are, thankfully, still on. Or maybe thankfully. I'm not sure which would be more traumatizing, seeing them…" she shudders, shaking her head, "… or what happened next." A long pause to build suspense, but he can tell she's going to continue, so he waits in rapt attention.

"Apparently, it'd been an exceptionally difficult case." She flicks her eyes to his. "Adrenalin still running high." A raise of one delicate eyebrow. "And with her pants, she was still wearing her holster." A twisted grin on her face as realization dawned on the detective's face.

"Oh!" he gasped out another laugh. Winces in pain, and he clenches his teeth, willing it away, because this is too good. "She didn't!"

"When I first saw them, my dad was kissing her… was… on her… had…" she couldn't say it, but still remembered the slight sound of his mouth losing suction with her breast in the complete silence of the room. Her blush deepened to crimson. "But when they heard me, my dad was trying to raise up to see who it was coming through the door and pull her down to protect her at the same time, a hand on her back. And Kate, she put one hand on his chest, pushing him down, and grabbed her gun with the other as she spun around. The sound of the safety clicking off is one the scariest sounds, by the way."

Ryan was gasping. "Oh, oww… oww." His teeth gritted with tears in his eyes as he tried to stop laughing. "Oh, Lex…" The nickname slipping out, "you can't… make me laugh… like this." He let his breath out in a staccato of laughter, and then tried to take a slow breath in, but then made the mistake of looking at her still-red face and the air whooshed back out in a huff of amusement. "Mmm" he grimaced when he managed to calm down, refusing to look at her less he start laughing again. "Ahh, that hurts me too much to think about."

"You?" Alexis challenged. "My dad's girlfriend pulled a gun on me while topless and straddling him. I'm scarred for life."

That did it, and he was hissing laughter out through clenched teeth, eyes squeezed shut. One more intake of breath and, "Ahh… ahh," he gasped out. Shooting pain in his chest. Ha. Shooting. Yeah. But the pain was sharp enough this time to stop the humor for the moment.

"What are you trying to do, Alexis, kill me with laughter? Seriously, oww." He whined when he could manage to string words together again.

She giggled lightly, biting her lip. Ryan wondered if it was something she'd picked up from Kate.


	5. Breathe

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

Previously on: Ryan is shot and hospitalized. He survives surgery only to be dumped by his fiancée.

**Breathless**

A story of Detective Kevin Ryan

Ch. 5: Breathe

"Hey, if you're going to be lucid for a while, my dad ran by your place and picked up some stuff for you. He dropped it off last night when he came by to pick me up. I think there might be a deck of cards in there if you feel up to a game of poker or something."

"Castle came by last night?" Ryan asked, touched at his friend's concern.

"They all came by last night." Alexis replied softly.

Tears inexplicably came to his eyes. "Oh." He managed.

"Hey, they care about you," she told him gently, reaching forward to squeeze his arm. His forlorn and yet wonder-filled look made him appear so innocent and childlike that she had to fight down the impulse to brush his hair back off of his forehead and rub a comforting hand down his cheek.

"You were out to the world, so they only stayed a few minutes." She sighed, pulling her hand back. "So. Poker?"

"Don't think I'm quiet up for that, maybe something simpler?"

"Go fish?"

"Think I could manage that." He smiled as she stood up and crossed the room to a small gym bag by the wall.

"Alright, but there's a catch." Alexis throws over her shoulder at him, grinning as she digs through the bag.

He arches an eyebrow at her in question.

"We're playing for secrets. Whenever you 'go fish', you also have to tell a secret. Makes it more interesting this way."

"That totally sounds like one of your dad's rules."

Alexis' grin grew. "It is. Fishing for cards _and_ fishing for information. But it can be any secret, so he never finds out what he's fishing for."

Alexis gestured to the wheeled table/tray at the side of his bed. "You want that?"

"Nah, it'll be easier without it, I think."

Alexis gave a quick nod of acknowledgement and settled back into her chair, legs curled up beneath her as she leaned forward across the railing to deal out the cards. "You first." She offered.

He gave her a challenging smirk as he looked at her over his hand of cards. "Do you have any threes?"

"Nope." Alexis shrugged. "Go fish."

He considered her for a moment, reaching for the pile. "I have an irrational fear of small dogs." He stated, removing the top card and adding it to his hand.

"All small dogs?" she asked, eyes laughing, "Not big dogs?"

Ryan shrugged. "Like I said, irrational, but it's mostly Chihuahuas. Those things are creepy. Their eyes are too big for their head and their head is too big for their body. Your turn."

"Fives?"

He tossed her the card he'd drawn.

"Twos?"

"Go fish."

She thought about it. "When I was eight, I released all of my goldfish into the tub so I could swim with them, but I left them there and Gina found them and freaked out, so she pulled the drain."

Ryan laughed softly, mindful of his chest wound. "Swimming with the fishies? Poor little guys. Sixes?"

"No."

"The first time I got drunk, I was 16, and I tripped going _up_ a flight of stairs and bashed my face in a bit, but I told everyone I'd gotten in a fight because I thought it was less embarrassing. Seriously, black eyes from a step? Highly uncool." He shook his head.

Alexis let out a light laugh. "Sixteen? You were old. I was 7 - visiting my mom in California during the summer. She had company over and I was supposed to be in bed, but got thirsty. She had left the glasses of champagne on the counter. I thought it was apple juice or, after I took a sip, the sparkling grape juice my dad always gave me at his book launches. But it was so good, I kept drinking it. Ended up stumbling out and throwing up all over her… whatever he was… a movie director. Needless to say, she didn't get that part." Alexis twitched her shoulder, quiet amusement and resignation mixing in her look. "Do you have any Fours?"

He handed it over and she set down a book. "Aces?"

"No," she replied, "First kiss?"

"Thirteen, in a stairwell at school, Angela. We broke up the next day. I was heartbroken. You?"

"Sixteen, Ashley. Dad walked in on us. We broke up right after he moved to Stanford. First time you shot someone?" she asked, dropping the pretence of the game. Her dad's curiosity rearing its head

"Second week as a cop. Got called out to a convenient store robbery. The guy was as high as a kite and pointing a gun at a little girl. I shot him in the shoulder. You ever shot anyone?" he raised an eyebrow at her in mock suspicion.

"Only laser tag and halo." She answered, "But I'm a pretty good shot at those. Any tattoos or piercings?"

"None. You?"

"Ears are pierced, tattoo of a butterfly. Don't tell my dad." She added hurriedly, suddenly remembering that this man worked with her father.

Ryan chuckled lightly. "Where is it?"

She stood up, unfolding her legs beneath her and pulled her shirt up to the top of her pants, and then pushed the jeans down just slightly to expose the edge of her hip. A delicate light blue green butterfly flitted just above her hip bone. It looked like an intricate twist of veins just below her pale skin forming the image.

"It's beautiful," he breathed, hating the heart monitor that clearly sounded his increased pulse as he reminded himself that she was _too young_ and _Castle's daughter_.

"Alexis!" a voice from the doorway caused them both to jump. Ryan twitched, jerking his body toward the door, and then had a reason for his heart rate to amp up as pain sent shock waves through his chest.

"Ahh!" Ryan cried out, unable to bite back the exclamation of pain.

Alexis dropped her shirt in surprise, turning toward the door, but stopped at the sound from Ryan, placing a hand on his shoulder attempting both to sooth him and to still him, her other hand reaching for the oxygen mask or the call button. She met his eyes with a concerned question, looking between him and the mask.

He shook his head no and attempted to calm the pain with short shallow breaths.

"How long's it been since your pain medicine?" she asked, still reaching for the call button.

Again, he shook his head, denying his need for it, although concentrating too hard on breathing through his clenched teeth to answer her verbally.

Scowling at his stubbornness, she depressed the button and dropped the device before breaking eye contact with him to give her attention to the visitor that had caused the distress.

"Eric! What are you doing here?" Surprise in her voice, a touch of concern. Ryan couldn't tell for sure through the haze of pain, but it sounded like she was not pleased at seeing the man.

Ryan guessed him to be in his late twenties. He had a goatee with a short cropped hair cut that showed a slightly receding hairline. Right at six foot, most likely, but he was slouched against the door frame, and a college student by the worn-in blue jeans and faded, wrinkled t-shirt.

"We had plans, Sweetheart. And then you ditch me, claiming some sort of family emergency. But when I find you, you're flirting with some guy who I seriously doubt you're related to." The man accused, his green eyes snapping.

Alexis' face reddened and her grip on Ryan's shoulder tightened. She opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to figure out where to start.

"How _did_ you find me?" she finally settled on, and Ryan detected the slightest hint of fear – or at least uncertainty – in her voice.

"Easy." Eric stated with confidence. "You told me what hospital you were going to, so it was just a matter of asking at the front desk if someone with the last name of Castle was checked in. When that failed, I tried Beckett, figuring you'd come and see your step-mom…"

"She's not…" Alexis interrupted, but Eric continued over her

"By then, they'd figured out who I was looking for and gave me the room number. But even still, this is not what I was expecting to find." Accusation still laced his voice, which Ryan took particular umbrage to, considering he knew nothing untoward had happened between him and the mini-Castle.

Alexis took several deep breaths to calm herself before replying. "Eric, I'd like you to meet Detective Kevin Ryan of NYPD's 12th precinct's homicide division. He is a part of my dad's and Detective Beckett's team." Her tone was faultless and professional. "Detective Ryan, I'd like you to meet Eric VanElsborn, my boyfriend from NYU."

Both men nodded in acknowledgement, but neither said a word. A nurse stepped into the doorway behind Eric with a gentle cough and a soft spoken, "Excuse me, did someone push the call button?"

"Oh!" Alexis exclaimed, relief at the interruption showing a bit too obviously in her voice. "I did. It's time for Detective Ryan's pain medicine, if you don't mind."

The nurse bustled in, flipping through the detective's chart before nodding to the girl. "Of course."

"Thank you," Alexis replied courteously before turning to Ryan, her voice low, pitched, she hoped, so that her boyfriend couldn't hear. "Hey, I'm going to step out for a little while. I need to go deal with..." She took a deep breath, not elaborating on what she had to deal with. "I'll be back soon, and I'll have a talk to hospital security before I come back. They shouldn't be telling people at the front desk the room numbers of wounded cops, no matter who they say they're looking for. I'm sorry about that. And about… he has no reason to talk like that about you."

"Hey, there's nothing… no reason to apologize." Ryan soothed as the nurse slipped the needle into the IV port and his eyes blinked heavily a few times.

Alexis smiled, knowing he'd be out in less than 15 minutes no matter how he fought it.

"Thanks." Alexis gave his shoulder a final squeeze before slipping past the nurse, grabbing her boyfriend's arm on the way out the door. They stopped in the hallway, so Ryan could still hear snippets of their conversation before he passed out.

"You had no right…" Her voice, full of righteous anger.

"Babe, I was worried…" Placating and condemning at the same time.

"Following me? Seriously? When I canceled…" Anger and concern.

"…And then …found you…" pure accusation.

"…family!... If… trust me…"

Muffled argument from him and then, "I think you need to leave…" More muffled words from both of them and then the sound of the boyfriend leaving.

When Alexis slipped back into the room, gingerly shutting the door behind her, he let himself drift into unconsciousness, knowing the girl was safe.


	6. Respire

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

**Breathless**

A story of Detective Kevin Ryan

Ch. 6: Respire

It wasn't until the next morning that he was able to talk to her again. When he'd woken from the last round of pain medicine, it was to a darkened, empty room. A glance at the glowing red clock told him it was past 10pm.

At 8:30 in the morning, the whole crew trooped in behind his breakfast, Alexis standing shyly behind her father, book bag slung over her shoulder. It was the first time he'd seen her arrive. He was beginning to wonder if she just materialized while he slept.

She shifted nervously through the joking and razzing that his team put him through. When they finally bid him goodbye, she seemed to relax slightly, stepping forward as they stepped out.

He raised an eyebrow at her. "So? Boyfriend?" he asked, not sure exactly what he was asking, except for more details. Still together, how long, is he safe? All questions he needed answers to. Okay, maybe not the first two, but the way he treated Alexis made the cop in him nervous.

"Yeah. Eric. I'm sorry about yesterday. He's… usually not like that."

"But sometimes?" he asked. "Did you have plans with him for Spring Break?"

"Sometimes, I guess, but never before to me. And yeah, but nothing concrete, and when you got shot, I guess I left in a rush. I told him that I needed to get back home, that there was a family emergency. I mentioned a hospital, but I don't think I said which one. I can't be sure though. I was… disorganized." She brushes her hair behind her ear, pushing it over her shoulder.

"Do you feel safe with him?" Ryan queried

"Umm… yeah?" Alexis answered, sounding unsure of her self.

"Really?" he challenged, his cop mask sliding over his usually amiable face. She stepped back, intimidated suddenly by his presence, even with him laying strung up to wires and tubes in a bed.

"Uhh…" she stuttered. "I… I, uhh. Not yesterday, no. Not when he drove two hours to find me here when there should have been no way he'd be able to. I… err… hospital security, you know? Patient confidentiality… And he was angry: found me because he was angry."

"Did you tell your dad?"

"What? No!" Alexis exclaimed. Then looked chagrinned at her outburst. "I mean, I don't want him to worry." She fidgeted.

"Does Castle even know about him?" His cop face softening in concern.

"Yeah…" Alexis looked down.

"But doesn't approve?"

Alexis twitched her shoulder and frowned with a slight shake of her head.

"How old is he?"

"Twenty-seven." Her tone was slightly defensive, now, and he realized that he'd come across sounding overly protective, and tried to tone it down for the next question.

"And how old are you?" He honestly wasn't completely sure.

"Eighteen." Her voice defiant, and then quieter, "In a month."

Ryan couldn't help the quirk of his mouth at her answer, or the expression of protective concern that poured out of his eyes.

"What?" she challenged, a smirk on her face, "Are you going to arrest him for statutory kissing?"

Ryan breathed out a laugh. The last thing he expected from Alexis was this teasing sass.

She waited for his reaction before continuing. "Because, seriously, that's all it is… all it will be for a while, because I'm not really ready to…" she fades out, remembering again who she is talking to and blushes crimson, her face clashing harshly with her hair.

"Isn't that…err… he… a bit… old for you?" he asks. Her boyfriend was a mere three years younger than himself.

Her eyes flashed annoyance, but she didn't answer, choosing instead to cross to the other side of the room, finally stepping out of the doorway. She came to rest by the windows, resting a hand on the smooth, cold surface of the glass.

"All the boys my age are… too young." She answered, glancing over her shoulder to gauge his reaction. But he doesn't. React, that is, just waits her out. He's used to drawn out confessions, and is afraid she'll clam up if he pushes too hard.

"I mean… It's all drinking, partying, playing around. And I just… it's not me. I want to be around somebody I can have a serious conversation with, someone who cares about the future and the world around them, not just where the next round of drinks is coming from. And we have fun, too. I wouldn't be my father's daughter if I didn't know how to relax and have fun, but that's not all there is to life. And even my dad, with all his fun-loving nonsense, gets it. It took him a while to really settle down, but he gets it."

Ryan understood where she was coming from, but it took none of his concern away. But, as it usually did with his team, his concern and protectiveness took the form of teasing.

"You do realize that your not-quite-yet-step-mom-to-be is only a few years older than that, don't you?"

Alexis shrugged, turning to face him fully, pushing her hair over her shoulder in a casual gesture. "Yes, but the difference there is, Kate is old enough to be my mom, albeit a young mother – a little over 17 years older than me. Eric isn't old enough to be my dad – he's only 10 years older. All the difference in the world."

Ryan hates himself just a little for the quick calculation he does in his head. Thirteen years between them. He casts a quick glance over to his bedside table, where the delicate gold and diamond ring rest on the corner. Single for two days now.

Alexis followed his gaze, took in profile of his thoughtful, worried look. The table was on the other side of the bed from her, but instinctively she seemed to know what he was looking at. Turning back to the window, she stared out at her city. She wanted to ask, but all the questions sounded to awkward in her head or too hurtful. _Was it love? Even now that it was broken, had it been love?_

"Yes." Came the defiant response. A bit too loud, because it was followed by a cough a gasp and a quiet choking non-cough. "Oh…"

Alexis whirled around, knocking her book bag off the window sill where she had set it and sending it sliding across the floor. "Did I ask that out loud?" Her eyes wide, apologetic. "I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry. I…"

He'd turned to face her, pain etching lines into his face. When this was over, he'd look older, she was sure. She'd never noticed the deep lines around his eyes before, or the small ones around his mouth as it was pinched in a grimace. But then again, she'd always seen him laughing and joking. Even at Montgomery's funeral, or later, at the hospital, she'd seen him hard and serious, his face blank and cold as stone. She'd even seen him cry, but that was when they'd found that Kate would live, and had tears so thick in her own eyes that everything was blurry. And that had a measure of joy mixed in, relief that the worst had been better than they hoped.

But this. She knew from seeing him when the medicine ran low that this was deeper than just blood and bone and tissue that hurt. The expression on his face made her go silent, knowing that she had caused the pain. She felt like she'd broke something, something fragile and precious: a friendship just barely formed. She felt like a small child standing over the broken remains of some fine china that had been just too pretty not to touch, trying to insist, 'I didn't mean to…" but it doesn't matter. It's done. Pressing her lips together, she feel tears pooling in her eyes and wills them not to fall as she turns away from him, unable to meet his eyes any longer.

He watches as she turns away, as her shoulders shake in a hiccupping motion that he recognizes all too clearly from growing up with little sisters. It surprises him that somehow she's the one crying. Yes, the question hurt, and his chest aches with it, as it aches with the twisting agony of injury that he keeps thinking he'll get used to if he just holds out on taking the narcotics for just a little longer.

The question, he realizes, has almost nothing to do with him and everything to do with her. It's the lost confusion of finding yourself out in the world alone trying to shape the world to fit your definitions of it. And then trying to shape your perceptions to fit what the world really is. And what is love? How do you find it and label it, to hold it safe?

Her dad has tried to keep her safe, built up a wall around her, shown her what love should be like in a family, but from marriage and romance, all she's seen is heartache and failure.

"Alexis." He calls to her, sees her twitch, sees her resist turning to him. "Alexis," he tries again, a bit louder, more insistent, but it tugs at his chest and he bites back a whimper. Swearing under his breath, he lowers his voice, knowing she can still hear him. "Alexis, I can't keep getting louder. I can't yell. It hurts too much. Come here."

Guilt washed over her. Reluctantly, she turned, tears streaking her pale face, eyes red-rimmed making her blue eyes so much brighter. She sniffed quietly, choking back a quiet sob in her attempt to stop the tears, her chest jerking and her throat indenting right above the jut of her collar bones.

"Hey, come over here," he whispered, gesturing slightly with his head.

Shuffling, she crossed the space between them to stand awkwardly by the side of his bed, looking down at her feet like a scared child.

"Here." He patted the bed, an empty spot next to his hip. At sometime during the night, he'd shifted away from that side of the bed, his arm pressed against the railing on the opposite side, and he hadn't felt it worth the effort and pain to center himself again.

Her eyes met his, incredulous.

"You look like you need a hug, but I can't really give you one right now. Next best thing. Sit next to me."

Now she looked hesitant, unsure of herself and not wanting to hurt him by jostling the bed.

"You won't hurt me by sitting here… probably… not too badly at least." She still looked reluctant. "No more than you did by making me laugh yesterday."

A faint smile now.

Gingerly, she let down the bed railing and slid her hip onto the bed, facing him, gently letting the bed take her weight so it didn't dip suddenly. She pulled one knee up and tucked her foot under herself, letting the other leg dangle off the side.

"Good." He patted her knee companionably once she had settled herself, and then withdrew his hand, laying it across his abdomen with care.

"Now. On a guess, that question isn't so much about Jenny and I, as it is more about yourself."

Alexis blinked at him for a long moment, before giving him a slight nod, realizing the truth in his words.

"Now." A pause, a breath. In normal circumstances, it would be a deep breath, prepping himself for what needed to be said, a time to gather his thoughts, but he settled for a long shallow breath and then another.

She bit her lip, watching him, watching for signs of pain, both emotional and physical.

"It was love. It still is love, even if the relationship isn't what I wish it was, even if I never see Jenny again, I still love her. My dying breath, my last words, if it hadn't been for your father and Esposito, would have been that I love her. There is no regret in that." A soft smile. "If I were to die today, those same words would be on my lips: 'Tell Jenny I love her.'"

A tear slipped out of Alexis' eye at the tenderness on his face, the softness in his blue eyes. It ran down her cheek and slipped off her chin, leaving a dark splatter on her maroon shirt.

"I don't regret anything about being with her - only that it ended."

They sat in silence for a long moment. Alexis ran her fingers over the thin sheets tucked into the mattress in front of her at a loss for words, but surprisingly comfortable in the stillness of the room and her proximity to the detective. She ran over his words in her head, comparing how they fit into the relationships she'd seen in her life. Somehow she was envious of this injured, heartbroken detective for having found something she'd never managed to experience, even if he had lost it.

"Hey," he said softly, a near whisper across the short distance.

She met his eyes.

"You'll find it. Someday. Someone you trust, that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with. You'll find it. Just… not… Not Eric. Not him."

She lifted an eyebrow at him, not quite objecting.

"I don't trust him. Cop sense. I see too many guys like him come through the precinct. He tracked you down, Alexis. That worries me. And I think you should tell your dad about it."

Alexis swallowed, dropping her eyes for a moment, focusing on her fingers gripping the blankets in front of her, her jaw working as she thought. Glancing up, she nodded once, serious.

"But you will find it." He reiterated, giving her knee a gentle squeeze.

"How do you do that?" She asked.

"Uh?" his eyebrows furrowed.

"Making me feel better, being protective in response to me asking inappropriate and hurtful questions."

"We're family." He stated, quoting her with a lopsided grin. "Speaking of… Have you talked to your dad or Beckett about their relationship? They're an example of making it work. I mean, they've been together much longer than they are willing to admit, and worked through things much harder than most couples have had to through their entire relationship."

"Well…" Alexis hedged. "I'm away at school, and I know they have something good. I just don't want to get in the way of that. When I'm around, they always have such good conversations, joking around, finishing each other's sentences. You know."

"So, basically, you're scared because you found out the hard way that Beckett doesn't like to be interrupted." Ryan translated, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Eww." Alexis laughed, gently smacking his arm. "But yes, kind of. And well, dad is a little too… sharing… if I ask the wrong questions."

Ryan shuddered, a grin on his face, laugh lines around his eyes in place of ones of pain.


	7. Inspire

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

Hey, look! A finished story! Hope ya'll enjoy :)

**Breathless**

A story of Detective Kevin Ryan

Ch. 7 Inspire

Almost two years later, Detective Kevin Ryan pulled a pen from a cup on his desk, setting down for a long night of paperwork. He sucked in a breath, letting out a long sigh, but it caught on congestion in his chest. Though he had made a full recovery and returned to work as soon as deemed fit by his doctors, the winters bothered him more than they used to. Feeling older than his years, He coughed, the heel of his hand coming up automatically to press against his ribs, massaging the scar tissue through his shirt.

It had been a rough day slogging through half-melted December snow chasing suspects, and while he was thankful they had caught their man, he was worn out, worn down, and desperately in need of rest.

Grimacing in pain, Ryan fought back another cough and glanced around the bullpen, hoping nobody had noticed his moment of weakness.

Beckett caught his eye. Of course. She noticed everything.

She gave him a grim yet sympathetically understanding smile, her own hand up at her sternum, applying pressure to old wounds.

"What d'ya say we cut out early; finish the paperwork tomorrow?" she asks, voice low enough that it carries only to her team.

"Sounds good to me," Esposito says, standing quickly and pulling his phone out of his pocket. "Night, Boss," his eyes on his phone, feet on their way to the elevator.

Beckett raised an eyebrow at Ryan, not having broken eye contact with him yet, waiting for his response.

"I don't know, Boss," he grinned, "I think you're just trying to get me out of here so you can go home and have your anniversary dinner."

Beckett gave him a surprised look, tossing a glance at Castle's empty chair.

He'd ducked out after lunch after seeing the connections between the clues they all had missed, and left with a weak excuse about meetings and errands, throwing a significant glance at Beckett on his way out.

A moment later, she glanced back, her expression softer as a faint blush worked its way up her cheeks and she bit her lip to keep back a smile.

"Congratulations," Ryan said with a smile and a nod as he stood, gathering his jacket from the back of his chair, tugging on his gloves.

"Thanks." Beckett joined him at the elevator. "How did you know?"

"Err…" he shifted nervously before turning to her, a teasing glimmer in his cobalt eyes. "When I was in the hospital, Alexis told me how she found out you were together." A smirk grew on his face as hers flushed brightly.

She gaped at him, mouth opening and closing a few times before managing, "How much did she tell you?"

They stepped into the elevator, pressed the button down.

"I always knew you didn't like to be interrupted," Ryan started, ignoring her question.

"Kevin Ryan!" Kate scolded, her voice higher pitched with embarrassment and humor, taking the edge out of the reproof as she lightly backhanded him.

"I just never realized exactly how much." He continued, laughing.

He smile softened as he held the door open for her into the bitter darkness of the city. "Have a nice night, Kate."

"Thank you, Kevin." A gentle smile graced her face as she patted his arm.

Several hours later, Ryan lay stretched out on his couch a little over half asleep with the light of a baseball game on the team washing over him. A lukewarm much rested curled in one of his hands. When he'd arrived home, he'd pulled a dinner from his freezer and popped it in the microwave and looked longingly at the beer in his fridge. But knowing it'd do his cough no favors, had settled on hot tea with milk, honey, and a shot of whiskey.

A knock at his door jolted him from his near unconscious state. Jerking up, he sloshed the contents of his mug onto the t-shirt he'd changed into. Grumbling incoherently as the liquid instantly turned frigid, he pulled the shirt over his head and lobbed it toward his bedroom door.

It made it halfway and pooled around the legs of his hallway table.

Another knock and he stumbled groggily toward the door in his sweatpants, snagging his gun from the table on his way. Thankfully, he glanced through the peephole and set the gun back down before unlocking the door. Otherwise, Alexis would have had a partial reconstruction of her night two years previous.

"Alexis." He stated dumbly, swinging the door wide. "What…?"

She was wrapped in a pale blue pea coat, the same color as her eyes, but lighter, with a matching cap covering the top of her fiery hair. A deep purple scarf wrapped around her throat. The only bit of skin showing was a circle of her face, cold and wind burned pink.

"I…" she stuttered out, and it was then he realized the moisture on her face wasn't from melted snow, but tears that glistened in the yellow hall lights.

"Alexis, what's the matter?" he asked, moving instinctually to pull her into a hug. He realized his mistake immediately as the half-melted snow on her jacket came into contact with his bare chest and he hissed in surprise.

But she wrapped her arms around him, her gloved hands clinging to his back. So he held her tighter, letting his body heat warm the half-frozen water, as she buried her face against that soft spot between his shoulder and collarbone with a muffled sob.

The feel of her soft face against his chest was almost overwhelming as her tears pooled warm against his skin. Tenderly he brushed a hand through the long hair down her back as the other arm continued to hold her close.

"Hey, Lex, calm down, sweetheart," he soothed. "I can't help if I don't know what's the matter."

She gulped in a breath, her exhale sliding warm against his skin. He shivered.

She pulled back slightly. "It's Eric," she finally managed. "I tried to give it a chance, to make it work. But he's been cheating on me for almost a year. I just found out tonight."

"Oh." His heart ached for the girl in his arms with that vulnerable look on her face and her too-shiny eyes, brilliant sapphire, the light in the hall glinting off the tears that pooled against her bottom eyelids.

"And I don't want to go home because it's dad and Beckett's anniversary, and I can't deal with a repeat of two years ago, and I don't want to ruin their night, either, and Lanie's probably with Esposito, and I just can't be around my friends right now because they were all there and I think some of them even knew about it but didn't tell me, and…" Her voice rising as she continued.

"Hey, hey, breathe, Lex. It's going to be alright." Ryan soothed, running his hands back and forth over her shoulders. "Let me go change and we can go grab a cup of coffee. There's a little place around the corner." He tightened his fingers, gently squeezing the sockets of her shoulders before dropping his hands and stepping back into his apartment, allowing her to enter.

"Just… don't look around much." He warned, shutting the door behind her. He sensed her relax with a clear plan in mind and she gave him a ghost of a smile.

She glanced around his cluttered dwelling. Instantly she noticed his service weapon on the table. She met his eyes, a quiet, tight-lipped smile fighting its way onto her face. "You almost pointed that at me, didn't you?" she queried.

He ducked his head guiltily in response. "Kind of becoming a tradition with you, isn't it?" he asked.

"I'll buy you a slice of cheesecake to make up for it." He offered. "A celebration of you yet again surviving the 12th precincts' accidental efforts to off you. It'll be an anniversary in your own right. A celebration of life." He sent her a cheeky grin and she managed a giggle that almost didn't catch on the tears in her throat.

"Now, I'm going to go change if you don't mind… and I'm also going to let your dad know, okay?" The last part was added on hesitantly, and he waited until she nodded before he slipped through his bedroom door.

It took two rings before a breathless Kate answered the phone. "There'd better not be a body," she growled, "Because I swear…"

"No, if there was, I would have called your…"

"Ryan. I'm a little busy at the moment." Frustration evident in her voice.

"No, yeah, I… uhh…" Ryan fumbled, blushing. "Look." He finally managed. "I need to talk to Castle."

"He's… occupied."

"Ahh, Beckett! Too much information. Way. Too. Much. I really, really don't mean to be interrupting you two, but this is important. Just. Trust me on this."

Silence. Then the muffled sounds of the phone being passed.

"Castle." Amusement and frustration mixing in his voice.

"Hey, umm?" suddenly twice as nervous, Ryan didn't know how to continue. His boss, fine, but the father?

An impatient growl.

"Alexis showed up here." He blurted out.

"What?" Castle was instantly more alert. "Is she okay?" Concern quickly turning frantic.

"No… yeah, she's fine. Upset, but uninjured." Ryan paced his room in his boxers, having gotten only as far as taking his sweatpants off before the call distracted him from his other task in his room of changing. "Her… uhh… She broke up with her boyfriend, but she didn't want to interrupt whatever I'm interrupting by calling you, so she came here. I'm taking her to coffee and then I'll bring her back to the loft before…" he glanced at his watch. "I'll have her home at a reasonable time." He concluded.

"Are you asking permission to…" Castle began.

"No. I'm _telling you_ that I'm taking your daughter out for coffee and dessert and I will return her in better condition than how she arrived."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

A long, awkward pause, and then, "Castle," in the background.

It seemed to snap him out of it.

"Okay, Ryan. Yeah, okay. Take care of her."

"Sir." Ryan responded and ended the call.

Quickly, he shuffled into a pair of faded jeans from a pile on his floor and rummaged through his dresser for a shirt. Shoving his feet into a pair of shoes and grabbing his jacket from his bed, he opened the door to find the beautiful redhead waiting on just the other side for him. The shy smile on her face told him that she'd listened in.

"Coffee?" he asked.

"Thank you." She replied, her soft smile indicating she meant more than just coffee, as she stepped closer and wrapped an arm around his waist, leaning her head briefly against his shoulder.

"Any time, darling, any time." He leaned in and kissed her forehead, leading her out the door.


End file.
